Saturday, June 22, 2013

Hey mommy, do you need beer?

Leaving the house with the kids...on my own. Why do I ever think this is a good idea? Jack turns one this week and I had decided that I don't have enough stress in my life, so let's add a cookout to celebrate Jack surviving his first year of life on top of expired drivers license and other fun things going on. Michael and I are always talking about having people over. The social side of me is all like 'bring it on!!! Let's rent a bounce house, hire NASA to give rocket rides, the works!!' But the OCD side of me is like 'people in my house? Will they make messes? What if they make messes I can't clean up? Like what if somebody throws up in my stove or something?'  

The social side won. 

And I did rent a bounce house. And now I'm checking into selling my liver to pay for it. 

So I had to go buy party supplies and today the kids weren't screaming as much as usual so I decided it would be a good time to go. 

We went to Walmart. We don't have many options locally and Walmart is one stop shopping, which is any moms BFF. 

After persuading Morgan that we didn't need the entire aisle of party supplies, and no I'm sure Jack would not want pink plates, and no the hello kitty napkins do not coordinate with the superman theme, Jack decided to have what we call 'fat boy meltdown' where he has to eat and can't wait one more second. So in the middle of the toy section I had to whip out a bottle and try to pour formula into it without spilling it while Morgan bounced toys off my head insisting she needed it ALL. 

So there ya go. Chubby bubby is happy. And using a stack of diapers as a pillow. We got a lot of 'looks' because Jack looks like he's about 2&1/2 instead of almost 1. 

We make it out of the toy aisle with a hot pink scooter in the cart and head towards the baby aisle. As I'm trying to find the pediatric drinks Morgan has for breakfast every morning, Jack pulls down half a shelf of yogurt puffs. As I'm trying to clean those up, Jack tries to climb out of the cart. As I'm trying to push him back down, I lose Morgan. Here's where I found her: 

'Hey mommy do you need some beer?'


Do not assume my husband and I are raging alcoholics, because although children can lure most people towards alcoholism, we know we've got to be 100% functional for our crazy kids. Morgan knows what beer is because she asks a million questions about everything. But still, every time she sees beer she's all like 'mommy do you need some beer?' And people stare at me like they are one step from calling social services. 

And besides, I like hard cider. I'm kind of over beer. 

As we purchased our goodies, Morgan is inviting everybody to 'baby Jack's superman party!!' as I'm trying to unload my cart onto the counter while picking out the random items Morgan has added and hiding them in the candy. Seriously Morgan. We don't need a watermelon slicer. 

Just another day in Mommyland. 

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Adventures at the BMV

So on our way back from my inlaws last weekend, Michael and I have a random conversation about our drivers licenses.  He noticed his will be expiring on his upcoming birthday and I was all like ' expires on my birthday this year too...I'm pretty sure....'


I dug through the spare pacifiers, My Little Pony underwear (not mine of course; they don't make them in my size.  *sigh*), and what felt like a half eaten banana, and found my driver's license.  It expired on my birthday LAST year. 

I immediately felt a stomach ulcer forming.

I whipped out my iPhone and started doing research.  You get a 6 month grace period after it expires!!  Awesome!!

6 months was a week before I realized mine expired.


I've been driving with an expired license?!  This just shows how often I get traffic violations and buy liquor.  I obviously don't get to whip out my ID often enough to know what's going on.

So I had to retake the written AND driving exams.  And I had to wait 3 days for Michael to finish up working night shifts before driving to the testing center, which apparently has been ever so conveniently moved 40 minutes away.

I was a nervous wreck.  I do NOT test well.  Especially tests with multiple choice answers.  There are ALWAYS 2 answers that look correct and I ALWAYS choose the wrong one.

Michael had to drive me since I was illegal.  And we had to take both kids because, well, we drag them everywhere.  I took a few practice quizzes online to brush up on my driving knowledge but still missed 5 questions (hey, you're allowed to miss 11!) but honestly, questions like 'what's the legal speed for driving a truck with passengers in the back' feel like trick questions because I thought riding in the back of a pickup was illegal and something only us rednecks do when the law ain't lookin.  But apparently the legal speed is 25 mph.  So there ya go.  Everybody pile into the back of a truck and go cruise, but keep it 25 and under. 

But I passed.  And then I had to go get my temporary permit.  And then I had to go take the driving exam.

Once again, I was a nervous wreck.  I've been driving since 1995, but I'm sure I don't drive the way they want me to.  The best part is when the lady was filling out my info for the driving exam, she asked 'do you have a vehicle that you can take the test with today?' and I was like 'yeah, I just have to unload my family out of it first.' She raised an eyebrow at that but proceeded with 'what sort of vehicle is it?' And I responded 'it's a Land Rover.' And she was like 'Who makes that?  Buick?' And I was like 'uhhh, Land Rover?' And she was like 'Dodge?' and I was like 'ummm, no, it's a Land Rover.  Land Rover makes Land Rovers...' and then she took my insurance card and stared at it like I was trying to pull one on her.  I totally get it.  The lady in line before me looked (and smelled) like she had rolled out of a dumpster, and the guy behind me was twitching like he was coming down from a meth high.  I'm standing there with my Michael Kors purse, having showered within the past 24 hours, and I'm totally blowing her mind that somebody of my caliber would actually show up at her counter.  She all but ran out to my vehicle like a kid at Cedar Point, excited to actually be giving a driving test to somebody that wasn't missing half their teeth due to bar fights.  Michael and the kids emptied the car not unlike a clown car at the circus, and I proceeded to take my driving exam. 

I was all paranoid about parallel parking.  I don't parallel park.  The last time I parallel parked was in 1995 when I took my driving exam at 16.  I will go out of my way to find a parking garage and walk an extra mile rather than parallel park on the street.  But lucky for me, Ohio doesn't include parallel parking in their exam. 

Oh no, they have something even more fun.

There are cones set up; you drive in between 4 of them and then veer off to the left to avoid hitting one in front.  I was like 'woot woot!' when I squeezed through in my SUV. 

And then she was like 'okay good, now do that in reverse.'

Say whaaaaa?!

I can barely back out of my garage.  I thank the Lord daily for the back up sensors that beep when I'm too close to something.  So I took it really slow.  The 'back up beepers' were going crazy because those stupid cones were way too close for comfort.  And I actually got 2 points deducted because I stopped and asked 'if I get too close can I pull forward and straighten up' I mean seriously?  I'm an overcautious driver!  What if those cones were endangered turtles or something? 

Then we took a cruise through the streets.  She was super relaxed and chatty but I was totally on edge.  I had to keep reminding myself 'hands at 10 and 2!!' and 'use your blinker!!' while she was telling me about her thyroid problems.  At every turn all of the crap in the back of the Rover crashed around.  I had several large baby toys I was selling and the lady that was supposed to meet us flaked out, so they slid and crashed and created a musical light show in the back of the Rover.  And then she noticed the empty can of energy drink and was checking it out and I was like 'it's not mine, I'm not all jacked up on caffeine I swear; it's my husband's, he worked his 3rd night shift last night...'


But anyways, I passed!!  There was one more little situation where I nearly failed the eye exam because it's been over 3 years since I've had new glasses, but thank goodness she wasn't paying attention and I was able to squint and read the smaller lines.  Don't worry; I have an appointment to get my eyes checked very soon.

So yay!  I am legal again!  I have my license!  It's the worst picture I've ever had taken in my life though; I'm holding on to Morgan while smiling for my photo and the end result is a double chinned strained smile.  Oh well.

Go check your license right now.  Seriously.  Do it.  Don't let it expire!