Tuesday, December 4, 2012


Morgan is a nut, but lately she's been saying some of the craziest things that are too good to not share. 

On a daily basis she tells me I need to settle down.  Especially this morning when I was doing a Jesco White jig to Jingle Bells at 8:30am.  She stood with her hands on her hips and said in a firm voice, 'Mom, you need to settle down.' 

My mom bought her a little purple Christmas tree for her bedroom and the cats are fascinated by it.  They keep pawing at the ornaments.  Last night she was hysterical when she thought one of the cats ate one of the ornaments and kept screaming 'you have to burp him to bring it back up!' until we found the ornament had just been knocked under her bed.

Every single day she begs me to go shopping.  When I tell her we don't have any money she says 'that's okay, you have credit cards.'

Today while trying to do some online Christmas shopping, I hear 'look mommy I have a tail!' and she runs in with her pants down and a 'tail' of toilet paper tucked between her butt cheeks. 

After her gymnastics class this evening I told her she had to wash her hands to get the germs off and she replied 'no thanks, I want to keep my germs, they are my friends.'

Which reminds me...last week she picked a booger that she called her best friend.

I mean seriously, is there a full moon?

I'm totally keeping a list of these things to pass out to any guy she might drag home when she's a teenager. 

why I refuse to be an Elf Mom

I have recently posted on Facebook about how I refuse to do Elf on the Shelf.  I received a lot of feedback from other moms that claim their kids love the Elf, and I believe them!  And I know my kids would love it (well Morgan might...Jack would just want to chew on him).  Some moms are posting all these awesomely creative pictures with random things the Elf has done...and kudos to you Elf moms!  You are a better mom than me, I admit it.

So why won't I participate?

Here's my list:

1.  My brain is surrounded in a fog.  I'm lucky to remember to wear pants when I go out to check the mail, much less come up with creative things for the Elf to do every single night.

2.  The Elf is CREEPY!  I mean seriously, that thing could cause major nightmares that would requires years of therapy to recover from.  Not for my kids, for me.  And my cats.

3.  Although creative, and I am 190% sure kids LOVE it, I do NOT have time to do the tricks that Pinterest suggests.  TP my Christmas tree?  WHAT Christmas tree?  We haven't even had time to purchase and decorate our tree.  Marshmallow fight in the kitchen with Barbie?  Seriously?  After Jack blows raspberries splattering half a jar of baby food peaches across my kitchen, I am lucky to get that mess cleaned up before somebody slips and falls in it, and can't even comprehend the idea of throwing mini marshmallows all over the place and THEN having to clean that up.

4.  I don't understand the purpose of the Elf.  He's supposed to watch my kids and report their behavior to Santa?  Well why is the Elf so bad?  Can't I report HIM to Santa?  Or just throw him outside and wait for my neighbor's dog to drag him off?

5.  Kids aren't supposed to touch the Elf.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  Have you met my daughter?  She touches EVERYTHING!  ...but fruit and vegetables that is.  And you're supposed to pretend to send the Elf back to the North Pole or something after he's been touched?  Yeah...I would be doing that about once an hour.

6.  Okay I'll admit...we haven't even done Santa for Morgan yet.  We are never home on Christmas because we live away from both sets of grandparents and are on the road the entire holiday.  This is the first year Morgan actually sort of understands the whole Santa concept and honestly it's a big responsibility to keep up with the lie.  I can't keep up with the Elf on top of Santa.  I am a horrible liar.  By the time Morgan is 4 I'm sure I will accidentally forget that she actually CAN hear everything I say and will slip and say something like 'yeah we will probably be up all night playing Santa'....probably while dozing on the couch during Bubble Guppies. 

7.  An Elf in this house would be a raging alcoholic, I just know it.  I would catch him in my freezer going after that bottle of vodka we are saving for a 'special occassion' which in mommyland means 'a night the kids are so bad you wonder why on earth you ever wanted a kid in the first place and then were stupid enough to have another one.'

8.  It's just another thing to store!!  Right now I am drowning in kid stuff...toys, baby gear, crayons, baby bottles...I can't handle one more thing to find a spot for in this house.  Makes my left eye twitch even thinking about it.

So there ya go, call me a party pooper, a bad mom, I don't care.  All of you amazing overachieving moms, please feel free to adopt my deprived children during the holidays so they can enjoy the Elf festivities!