How to antique your living room

My kids have been crabby today. I needed some peace while I tried to shove some dinner in my mouth so I had the genius idea of dumping small piles of baby powder on the living room carpet and letting the kids jump from one to another. 

Some of you are thinking 'wow that IS brilliant!'

Some of you are thinking 'oh that's a horrible idea.'

Well you're both correct. I had a lovely half hour with my chicken, rice, guacamole, sour cream, and salsa wrap while watching an episode of Glee on my Kindle. I didn't hear 'mooooooom!!' one single time. Kids didn't run to me with urgent imaginary boo boos or legos that 'just won't fit!!'

I cleaned up my dinner mess and went to the living room. 

It was covered in baby powder. Ever watch the show Jackass where they would 'antique' one another by slapping a handful of flour in the face?  That's what I thought of. My living room had been antiqued. 

At that moment my kids were making handprints in the powder that had settled on the coffee table. They both joyfully exclaimed 'oh sorry ma!' then flopped onto the couch. 

I took a deep breath and retrieved my BFF from the closet, my purple Dyson vacuum. I had to vacuum the carpet about five times and the powder is still  deep in the fibers (hey at least it smells good!). I had to use attachments to sweep all baseboards, furniture, wall hangings, curtains. I even vacuumed both kids' hair just for fun and to hear them scream at me. 

Then I walked into the kitchen and slipped and fell because the floor was covered in a fine layer of powder giving it the same surface as a Minnesota pond in January. Both cats also slid across the floor and it was delightful to see the look of horror on their little black faces. 

Moral of the story: I'm not always full of grand ideas. Actually I rarely have grand ideas. So don't ever copy my parenting. 

This message is brought to you by Johnson & Johnson baby powder with aloe, Dyson vacuums, and Not Your Fathers Root Beer. 

The Key Jar: 48 Questions To Ask Your Child

Recently I ran across something on social media; something called 'The Key Jar.'  I opened it and skimmed it.  I would post the link but now I can't find it.  Just google 'the key jar 48 questions' and do your own digging.  I think you're supposed to pull one question out of the jar daily to ask your child/children, but I decided to hit my 6 year old daughter with all of them at once.  Here are the questions with 6 year old answers:

1.  What was your first thought when you woke up today?
A:  I thought I had to go to school and then I remembered it's Saturday.

2.  What are you most afraid of?
A:  falling into lava

3.  What do you want to accomplish by your next birthday?
A:  Mine Craft

4.  If you could be famous for one thing what would it be?
A:  making the world's largest pizza

5.  What's your favorite word right now?
A:  Doink.  That's what daddy calls me.

6.  What do you love about yourself?
A:  my heart

7.  What's something that is hard for you?
A:  Standing on one foot.  Seriously, watch me [gives dramatic demonstration]

8.  Describe your perfect day:
A:  Laying on the couch playing Mine Craft all day.

9.  Who in your class is lonely?
A:  nobody

10.  Who in your class is a leader?
A:  Ruby and Meghan

11.  When is it hard being a friend?
A:  when kids are mean

12.  Who is somebody you'd like to be friends with who isn't yet your friend?
A:  Aurora (as in Sleeping Beauty)

13.  If you could switch places with one friend for a day, who would it be?
A:  Meghan

14.  How were you helper today?
A:  I put makeup on my brother.

15.  What's the smartest thing you heard somebody say today?
A:  Don't hit anybody with a bat.

16.  Who in your class makes you smile?
A:  Anybody funny

17.  What's the best thing about living here?
A:  my friends

18.  How can you change the world?
A  By taking over the world.

19.  What's the biggest challenge facing our world today?
A:  Being a kid in other countries.  I don't think they have pizza.  Or Mine Craft.

20.  If somebody from another planet came to Earth, what would he or she think of our world?
A:  It's dirty [school recently had Earth Day activities]

21.  What is something you use every day that you don't need?
A:  my iPod

22.  What would be the hardest thing about being blind?
A:  Not being able to see!!!  DUH!

23.  If you could give everybody in the world one piece of advice, what would you say?
A:  I would show them the best way to eat pizza.

24.  If you could time travel, where would you go?  What would you change?
A:  I would go back to the dinosaurs and tell them they are all going to die.

25.  What is something you know how to do that you could teach others?
A:  Teach grownups how to play hide and seek; you guys are terrible at it.

26.  What will you be doing in 10 years?
A:  Drinking coffee

27.  What's the most important decision you will have to make in your life?
A:  Where to live; there's so many houses.

28.  If you could only eat one food for an entire year, what would you choose?
A:  pizza

29.  If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
A:  flying

30.  What is the best thing that's ever happened to you?  What is the worst?
A:  The best is being a sister.  The worst is having to pee so bad when I get off the bus because I don't pee at school!  The bathrooms are disgusting!  Nobody flushes!

31.  If you had 3 wishes, what would they be?
A:  Having a mine for diamonds and gold, to go to Disney, and that nobody ever gets sick

32.  What are you the most proud of?
A:  being friendly

33.  Who in your class seems sad?
A:  [not sharing her answer]

34.  Who do you admire?  Why?
A:  Meghan, because she's always so good.

35.  What is something you've always wanted to ask me?
A:  about true love

36.  If you could switch places with one family member for a day who would it be?
A:  Jack [2 year old brother]

37.  What are the 3 most important qualities in a friend?
A:  nice, funny, playful

38.  What's the funniest thing somebody did or said today?
A:  A girl at t-ball gave me a rock from her pocket.

39.  Besides your teacher, who is somebody in class you could learn from?
A:  Ruby

40.  Who in your class is special?
A:  Max [her crush]

41.  What is the most important job in the world?
A:  daddy's job

42.  If you could create one law that everybody on Earth had to follow, what would it be?
A:  have more fun

43.  If you could go anywhere in the world to complete a good deed where would you go and what would you do?
A:  everywhere, to clean up the trash

44.  What will the world be like in 10 years?  What would be the same?  What would be different?
A:  I have no idea; I'm just a kid.

45.  Is it possible to help somebody you've never met?
A:  yes, I give my dollars to church

46.  If you could live in another country for 1 years, where would you live?
A:  paradise; somewhere hot with a beach

47.  Is it better to have too much of something or not enough of something?
A:  seriously mom?

48:  Who is the most important person in the world?
A:  my mommy!!

the coughing hex

"I've never known ANYBODY to cough until they puke..." says Michael.
"...until you met me" I finish (because I'm always finishing sentences; I'm impatient).

Apparently Mother Nature is totally ticked off at my family this year (so sorry about all those banana peels I threw out the car window...and for hexing you for all of the snow...and for using too many plastic water bottles...) so she dropped a pollen/mold/animal dander bomb RIGHT ON OUR HOUSE several weeks ago.  Seriously; we've never been so sick from allergies.  Allergies turned into ear and sinus infections...treatment turned into Morgan having a severe penicillin allergy (surprise!)...and now the kids and I have this AMAZINGLY FUN cough.  Michael doesn't have it, because he 'doesn't believe in allergies.'  I tried that method but it appears allergies believe in me.

So we've been to the doctor 4 times in the past 2 weeks, gone through several prescriptions, drained countless bottles of OTC cough syrup, and I take the honor of finishing off a bottle of whiskey alone(what?! the kids can't help, it's apparently illegal to give whiskey to underage children).

We've spent so many sleepless nights trying various methods to get the kids to stop coughing.  Vicks on the feet with socks, Vicks on their chests and backs, sniffing eucalyptus essential oil from the bottle, sucking on ice, using saline nasal spray, and as a last resort; giving cough medicine.  Why is this a last resort?  Because they ALWAYS PUKE IT UP!!!  I don't blame them.  We need a petition going to send to Robitussin about their flavoring.  'Nuclear power plant runoff' doesn't quite cut it. 

Every fall and spring since I was a child I've had this cough.  It's post nasal drip, allergy induced asthma, growing up in chemical valley, somebody has a voodoo doll with my face on it, can't sleep until I'm sitting up with a cough drop in my mouth praying I don't wake with it in my hair after I've had a combo of syrups with dextromethorphan and codeine, WORST COUGH EVER.  I remember sitting up in bed fighting the urge to cough, because I knew just ONE MORE cough would make me throw up.  I remember my mom stomping down the hallway exhausted because she needed her sleep and couldn't rest with me barking like an asthmatic seal all night, hissing at me 'for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY is there NOTHING you can do to stop it?!'

Well it appears I've passed the coughing hex on to our children.

My bad. 

Michael has to sleep with 3 asthmatic dying seals in the house.  What's really fun is having to treat my own cough and then try to wake myself up from a codeine dextromethorphan whiskey haze to take care of a coughing child.  I've literally walked into a wall on my way into their bedroom. 

So we've been dealing with a lot of what I call 'coughing fits' where something triggers our lungs to try to escape out our esophagus.  After years of practice I can keep a fit under control and not throw up, but my kids have yet to reach mastery level. 

Let me share the highlights of recent events:

Several nights ago I was trying to pee.  All you moms out there know there's no point in closing a bathroom door.  If you lock them out, something terrible will happen, like they will end up in the car on their way to McDonald's for those 20 nuggets for $5 and then you'll get arrested for letting them drive at age 2 and 6 ('but officer I swear I was trying to pee...yes...I locked the door...I know...bad choice').  So the door was wide open for all children and cats (and several stinkbugs) to run in and out.  Jack ran in, whipped off his diaper, shrieked "bath time!!" and threw all his bath toys into the tub.  Half second after this, Morgan runs in coughing with her hand over her mouth, sees me on the toilet, turns and vomits in the tub.  All over the bath toys.  And then naked Jack tinkles in the floor a little.  All of this happened in a matter of like 2 minutes.  I sank to my knees and cried to the heavens "can I NOT EVEN PEE?!!!'  Actually I didn't because I was too busy trying to clean up vomit and pee.

This evening I bathed both kids and was ready to chill out with a crochet project for the rest of the night (ya know, for the whole extra hour I'm awake after the kids go to sleep).  Michael got Jack out of the tub (because I got distracted by laundry that needed hung up) and during the dry off Jack started a coughing fit.  I shut my eyes and prayed...and then I hurt Michael scream "HE JUST THREW UP EVERYWHERE!!!!"  So I ran to the living room where Michael always dries Jack off and Jack is sitting in the floor with his towel around him, wringing his hands flinging vomit everywhere and Michael has his hands cupped under Jack's mouth filled with brown liquid and chunks of everything Jack has eaten today.  Michael takes off for the kitchen sink to empty his hands (dripping the entire way) and I grabbed Jack and ran back to the bathroom (dripping all the way) and dumped him, towel and all, back into the tub.  I scrubbed him down.  It was in every crack of that boy's body.  I got him out and as I was drying him off I found more vomit so I had to put him back in the tub and scrub some more.  I quarantined the kids in Jack's room (because Morgan said he wasn't allowed in her room while there's a high change of vomiting) and found Michael scrubbing the carpet.  I grabbed some cleaner and started working on all the drippings...which were hard to see since our living room is dark...most of them were found because I stepped in them.  Cold, wet, squishy vomit drippings.  And then I had to clean the sink where Michael emptied his hands.  And then I had to rinse out the bath towel that was covered in vomit and still hanging out in the tub.  And then I had to clean the bath tub.

As one of my friends once posted about being a parent dealing with vomit:  goal achieved; new level unlocked.

That's how it feels in this whole parenting thing; you learn as you go and get better with time.  Michael and I do not enjoy dealing with vomit one little bit, but we CAN deal with it; we KNOW what to do.  Goal achieved indeed. 

And now it's time for my nightcap of cough syrup and whiskey.  I told our doctor I was taking Robitussin DM, half a narcotic I had left over from Jack's C-section, and a shot of whiskey every night to get 4-5 hours of sleep without any cough interruptions.  He howled with laughter, clapped me on the shoulder and said "Can I come to your house?!" 

Valentine's Fun

Now that Morgan is in KG we are enjoying all sorts of new experiences...like the Valentine Box project. I looked on Pinterest and Google for ideas and most were so ornate and fancy I was like 'meh.'  I don't want to put a ton of time and money into something that's going to eventually be destroyed, cried over (me, not Morgan), and thrown away. We found some ideas to make a castle and Morgan like the idea. Family collaboration (Jack mostly was there to annoy us by getting in the way but that still makes him part of the project) resulted in this:

Materials used:

Box taped shut. 

Gold/silver post board (it was gold on one side, silver on the other).

Foam stickers. 

Scissors. 

Glue gun. 

Exacto knife/box cutter. 

Marker. 

We measured and cut poster board to fit and glue to box. I started out with Mod Posge which almost always makes me angry so I busted out the glue gun. For the side towers I cut details then rolled up and glued together, then glued to box. Michael (who is much better with sharp things than me) used an exacto knife to cut door (for cards to go in). I used a marker to draw a few details like windows and write Morgan's name. Morgan decorated with the foam stickers. Done. 

With leftover poster board I made cards to send to family:

We each dipped our thumb in red paint to create a 'heart.'  Cheesy and adorable. I'm shocked and pleased Michael participated. 

Easy DIY party decor

I love going all out for my kiddos' birthdays. My husband has to give me a budget and remind me to keep things under control otherwise I would buy unicorns and kidnap superheroes. 

So I've learned to be creative with party decorations. Most of them I make myself. 

For example:

Pardon my poor photography skills but working with a cranky old iPhone is a challenge. 

The banners add something special and kids love them. I took an index card and made a pattern to trace, traced onto pink and purple computer paper that I had leftover from my days of teaching high school, cut out the banner, hole punched, then used yarn through the holes. So simple. You can also write on them:

I wrote the birthday girl's name on this one. The ends have paper doilies threaded on. 

I also like to use tulle for decorations. And lots of balloons. 

I weaved bright pink, light pink, and purple tulle through the light fixture and added balloons to the top. Morgan thought it was magical. I keep the tulle to use for other projects. 

The best part about this is that you can do any color combo and you're not at the mercy of whatever a party store has to offer. 

Create a Christmas 'wish list' without a bunch of 'stuff'

It's almost Christmas!!!! I love this time of year!  Everybody is so happy and generous (unless you are at Walmart on Black Friday at 4am fighting over an X-box). And it's my favorite clothing season: long sweaters, leggings, boots. 

It's also that time of year when I start seeing Facebook posts like 'what do you buy the kid that has everything?' or 'anybody have suggestions on what to get a 5 year old for Christmas?'

First of all let's be so grateful that our children have way too much. 

And then let's take some of it away. 

I'm not kidding and I'm not evil. 

I've read several articles and books by John Rosemond about 'common sense parenting' that have really helped open my eyes. One of the main things that really hit home was the fact that when children have a ton of toys, they play with none of them. Why? Because it's overwhelming!! Think about how you feel walking into a Yankee Candle Store; so many smells!  It's overwhelming!  And there's not just a simple 'apple' scent (my favorite) - there's pumpkin apple, apple pie, apple spice, red apple, green apple, rotten apple, happy apple (okay so I don't know exact names of scents but you get the idea).  I smell them all and then my nose gets confused so I leave the store and go buy a cinnamon pretzel instead. 

That's how kids feel when they have too many toys. They can't decide what to play with, so they play with nothing. 

I know we live in a competitive society where we want our children to have the same things as every other kid (and more!) and some of us feel like buying our kids crap expresses how much we love them.  Or some of us have children that can work that guilt - 'mommmmm if I owned this I just know I would love it forever and it would be special and every time I play with it I would think of you' (well I might be translating 'mom I want this' all wrong but that's how my brain works when it comes to my kids) - so you buy it and then it gets tossed into the mound of untouched toys in your home. Sigh. 

So I've been majorly downsizing our toy collection this fall. My rule is if doesn't get played with more than once a month, it gets sold through online yard sale sites. Many of these transactions have been secretly done right under my kids' noses and I'm getting so skilled at this I feel like a drug dealer. Of course as soon as you try to get rid of a toy it becomes your child's 'favorite toy in the whole world and they can't go on living unless that toy is part of the unplayed toy mound.'

Trust me; they get over it. They usually don't even know those toys are gone. 

So what do I suggest keeping for you kiddos to play with?  Well I'm a teacher with lots of childhood education and development courses under my belt, my mom just retired from teaching 40 years of KG and 1st grade, and John Rosemond is my parenting guru; so with a combined knowledge from these resources here are my suggestions for Christmas:

1.  Toys that I consider 'educational' or 'I'm raising a future engineer' - toys that require kids to THINK and use their imagination and their hands:

-wooden building blocks - even babies can stack them up and knock them down. It's great fun apparently. 

-Legos / Mega Blocks - these come in all sizes for all ages!

-kinetic sand - this stuff is so cool! 

-Lincoln Logs

-Tinker Toys

-puzzles

2.  Artsy fartsy stuff. Toys and crafts that encourage creative and imaginative thinking skills and helps with hand-eye coordination:

-paper - Yep; simple paper. Lots of colors and textures. Lined paper to help them practice writing skills. Plain paper for them to draw on, paint on, cut up, glue, fill plastic ornaments with, etc. 

-stuff to use on all that paper - penciled, crayons, markers, colored pencils, paint, chalk, glue, blunt scissors, stickers, stamps, etc. 

-any other supplies to use for art projects - glitter, popsicle sticks, cotton balls, scraps of fabric; you would be amazed at the stuff little ones can create when given a selection of supplies. 

3.  Toys that I consider 'role play' items:

-dinosaurs - boys and girls go crazy about dinosaurs! 

-baby dolls - for girls AND boys!! Boys that play with babies are being daddies! 

-doll house with simple furniture - my daughter and son both love playing in my doll house Santa brought me in 1987. 

-Barbie style dolls - Morgan has the entire disney princess collection. The princesses spend the majority of their life naked though so be prepared. Kids love stripping clothes off dolls. 

-train table - for boys and girls!! Both of my kids love their train table. 

-cars, trucks, trains - once again, boys and girls enjoy pushing these around. 

-stuffed animals

-dress up clothes - for boys and girls!  So much fun to dress up like a fireman or porn star (okay so she was a fairy princess but I swear she looked more like a drag queen porn star that evening...)

**important public service update: items in the 'role play' category tend to be items that end up in the toy mound. Be sure to keep quantity under control or the little humans will get overwhelmed. 

4.  Outdoor toys

-bikes, tricycles, big wheels, scooters, wagons; anything with wheels that can be ridden, pushed, pulled. 

-sand box table - love the table option because they can stand and play 

-water table - what kid doesn't love a water mess?

-trampoline - purchase at your own risk. Many parents are against buying one but I love them. They are calorie burning kid exhausters. 

-bubbles - ummm bubbles make kids go looney 

-swing set

-play house

-dump trucks, shovels, pails, anything that they can dig and pile dirt into.

-sidewalk chalk

-hoppers - those ball things that kids jump on. I let my kids use it in the house. It's a kid exhauster. 

-balls, ball gear - soccer, kick ball, basketball, football, etc. 

5.  Electronics - don't be in denial. My kids had my iPhone masters by 6 months. We live in a world full of technology and your kids have to keep up. 

-Leap Frog anything - great stuff. We love the LF readers - the books with reading wand. 

-kindle, iPad, nook, whatever else is out there that I don't know of. Morgan got an iPod touch as her 'big sister gift' when she was 3 and a kindle last Easter when she was 4. There are soooo many educational apps and games and you can find great stuff for them to watch on YouTube (check out the British series called Numberjacks). 

-video game systems - there's nothing wrong with letting your child play wii or PS or X-box. It helps with hand-eye coordination. However; please monitor how much time your child spends playing games. Morgan is 5 and is terrible at video games and we don't have time to play Mario Kart just so she can watch, so for now our wii, X-box, and PS3 are used to play movies. 

-computer - not that your child should have his/her own PC but they need access to one because starting in KG they will be using computer skills. 

6.  Brainy toys

-books!! Any and all books!! Both of my kids love books and have their favorites. Jack is obsessed with a DK My First Dinosaur Book and Morgan has always been a fan of The Very Hungry Caterpillar. 

-games - we introduced board games to Morgan when she was 3. Candyland, Giess Wjo, Chutes and Ladders are all favorites. Of course there are also games like Doggy Doo Doo that kids love and parents hate. Our dog is always constipated. 

-telescope

-microscope

-globe, wall map

I'm sure I've left out lots of stuff in each category but ya'll get the idea right?  Get your kids stuff that inspires them to use their imagination and be hands-on. Some popular toys this year are Doc McStuffins dolls that walks and pulls her medicine cart (uhhhh okay...so my kid can watch the doll walk? That's it?) and Lalaloopsy diaper surprise where you feed the doll and she poops out a charm for a bracelet (wait WHAT?!). I think I will pass on both of those. 

Also encourage your kids to enjoy 'practical things' - Morgan wants a bedside table for her room. It's her main request this year because she's 'tired of not having anywhere to put her tissues next to her bed.'  Jack got a 'big boy bed' for Christmas because he's 2 and doesn't know any better. 

Keep it simple! Don't overwhelm your kids with STUFF. 

Monster Munch nom nom nom

So Morgan is in KG this year which brings lots of exciting new things, like snack time!  There are 27 kids in her class (poor teacher) and they rotate who gets to bring in snack each day. Morgan got to take a snack first day of school so we got on Pinterest and she selected some complicated snack where you build a robot using a juice box and applesauce and a few other things. We drew and taped and stacked the robots in a box and they basically all fell apart by the next day and Morgan didn't even get to enjoy the snack because she sprained her ankle and I had to pick her up early. Sigh. 

Well this past week it was Morgan's snack day again and since it's close to Halloween, we researched some themed snacks that mommy could master and settled on a modified version of 'monster munch' that kept popping up on Pinterest. 

My version of Monster Munch:

2 bags of pretzels (twisty or straight or both)

1 box honey nut Cheerios type cereal

1 box honey Chex cereal 

1 box Cheezits

1 can mixed nuts or peanuts (obviously check for allergies or you'll be crucified)

2 bags mini marshmallows

2 bags candy corn

1 bag candy pumpkins

In a big bowl mix it all together. Done. 

You could also add raisins, craisins, chocolate chips, whatever you think might make a good munch. 

Then we divided it all into 27 baggies that we had decorated to look like monsters by cutting out teeth and eyes to decorate and glue on. 

Voila:

They were decorated by a 5 year old who had a blast. And lots of eyes and teeth fell off by the next morning because I need to find something other than a glue stick for these projects. 

Morgan says it was a big hit other than the fact that I forgot to send napkins. 

Hey, I'm not perfect.