Kid Par-tays

You remember birthdays when we were kids?  Cake, usually made by our moms, Kool Aid, maybe some chips, sometimes some balloons, basic plates and napkins.  We ate cake, opened gifts, and played outside until everybody went home.

Simple and fun.

WHAT THE #$&% HAPPENED?!

Have you been to a kid's birthday party lately?  Bounce houses, camel rides, buffets of sugary delights.  And don't forget the THEME.  The theme is extremely important.  It dictates your entire color scheme, activity scheme, and sometimes even food scheme. 

Go on Pinterest and search for any birthday party theme and your jaw will drop at the examples. 

Who are these moms?!  How do they have the time and money to pull off these parties?

After you get over the shock, you give yourself a new goal in life...

become THAT mom.

Why?  Well, because your overly spoiled child who has enough toys to stack to the moon and back will OBVIOUSLY appreciate a special birthday party right?  Let's get this straight; it's not for your kid.  It's for you.  It's a personal challenge to see if you can DO it.  Can you pull this off.  Obviously other moms can do it.  The proof is on Pinterest and Facebook.  Can YOU do it?

I have been to some amazing birthday parties and have been wowed every single time. 

Soooo you wanna see what I can do?  Huh huh huh??

For Jack's first birthday we went with a Superman theme.  He's our Superbaby after everything he went through in the NICU.  I wanted ORIGINAL Superman, not the 'man of steel' stuff that came out with the current movie.  His birthday is the first big one we've had at our house.  We usually do birthdays with friends and family in my hometown.  But we've lived here long enough that we have enough good friends to celebrate with now.  AND Jack has a summer birthday.  YAY! 

So I couldn't find any original Superman party supplies...I had to make them.  I bought red, yellow, and blue plates and napkins and such.  I made the decorations using cardboard and yarn.  I made his party hat.  My husband made red, yellow, and blue cupcakes.  I made the cupcake holder.  I made a tutu and hair bow for Morgan. We rented a bounce house.  Honestly, it was a blast planning and preparing and decorating.  Here are some pictures:

It was a lot of fun!  We had about 40 people over for a cookout.

Then it was Morgan's birthday and I decided to try to have a party for her at our house.  Out of all of the themes she could pick from (Frozen, Rapunzel, pink princess) she decided on Sheriff Callie's Wild West, a brand new show on Disney Jr.  Sigh.  I had to get creative.  I went with a brown/pink theme and obviously cowgirl.  I shopped around at party stores and online and pieced together a Sheriff Callie party for her.  Here are some pictures:

AAAAANNNND we had an ice cream sundae bar:

Go me right?!  I am absolutely addicted to making those flag streamers out of scrapbook paper by the way.

Jack turns 2 in 2 days.  I had big plans to do a Wreck It Ralph theme birthday for him....and then I realized I'm tired.  It's been a crazy couple of months around here.  We have no party, no presents, nothing planned for the kid.  

Fail.

But ya know what?  He's 2.  He won't remember right?!  We will do something special for him, and we are planning a family party sometime in the next month 'back home' but I was really excited to decorate for a Wreck It Ralph party....

Dollhouse remodel

When I was in 3rd grade I got a wooden dollhouse for Christmas. I loved it. I remember sitting in the floor watching my mom install wallpaper in several of the rooms. The wallpaper came from leftovers from my grandma's kitchen and bathroom, my parent's bathroom, and a friend of the family's kitchen and dining room. It took several years to collect furniture to fill up each room and I remember where each piece came from. There was a store in a nearby city that sold only dollhouse items and my mom used to take me and I would drool over all of the miniature items. Whenever I visited my aunt and uncle in Washington, D.C., my aunt would take me to a dollhouse museum. I spent a good part of my childhood arranging furniture and dolls in that little house. Then I became a teenager and lost interest in my toys, so the dollhouse went into storage for many years. 

When my daughter turned 5 my mom got my dollhouse out of storage. There was a little wear and age to it but otherwise it was just as sturdy as ever. It needed a good remodel though. I sadly tore out the old wallpaper because it was damaged. I sanded down the walls and floors. My husband fixed some lose areas where nails were missing. 

I did some research online about dollhouse remodels and created a plan. 

I took Morgan to Lowe's and let her pick out several colors of small containers of sample paints. Then we went to Joann Fabric and picked up some scrap booking paper and mod podge. 

The house had never been painted. My mom and I never got around to it. It remained wood for all those years. 

I totally forgot to take before pictures but I found one:

I had a hard time getting all of the wallpaper out, so I used scrap booking paper to cover it. I cut it to fit and used mod podge to glue to the wall and painted over it with mod podge using a paint brush. I also used scrap book paper on the kitchen floor since there was glue leftover from a piece of linoleum. 

It was a huge job getting all of this done. 

After:

Pardon the mess; the dollhouse gets played with daily!

For her 5th birthday we purchased some furniture to get her started on her collection. She also used random things from other toy collections (Calico Crotters, Little People, etc). 

I love standing in the hall listening to the elaborate stories she creates when she plays with the dollhouse. In 1987 when I woke up Christmas morning and found the dollhouse I never imagined I would still have it all these years later for my own daughter. 

Sometimes Mommyland is sentimental 😊

End of the World Generation

I was having 'mommy margaritas' with my dear friend one evening to celebrate her upcoming 30th birthday and half a pitcher in she was like 'turning 30 sucks' and I was like 'you suck because I'm 35 and I want to be 30' and we both giggled and poured another glass.  Then we got all serious about getting older.  She was like 'I never thought about turning 30...it's like it would never actually happen' and in my margarita enhanced mental state a light bulb burned brightly over my head.  I responded 'it's because ever since we were born we have been taught the end of the world is near.'

Whoa.

Think about it.  We are the 'end of the world generation.'

In the 1990's all we heard about was Y2K and how it would be the end of the world.  That came and went, yet here we are.  Then it was that darn Mayan calendar.  I was convinced aliens were planning an invasion and I was horrified at the idea of my babies not growing up.  That came and went, yet here we are.  But Jesus is coming back.  He's been coming back for YEARS.  ALL of the signs say so. 

So I have always had this idea of never growing old...

But it's happening, and I think it's a bit of a shocker to a lot of people in my generation.  I mean c'mon, the world has been ending for as long as we can remember.  It's no big deal to rake up some debt, eat whatever we want, our life is short. 

All of these doomsday prep shows certainly don't help.  I watch them sometimes; these people are intense.  Does it make me want to stock up on Doritos and beer and buy a slingshot?  Nah.  It does make me realize that I don't want to live past whatever catastrophe is obviously coming soon.  A world with no iPhones, air conditioning, where people stab each other over a can of sardines?  No thanks.  I will be out in my yard with a big bulls-eye waiting for that alien bomb or slathered up with chocolate syrup running down the street waiting for the zombie apocalypse. 

I'm going to be turning 40 this decade.  My kids are growing up fast.  I will see them graduate high school...then college...get married...

But then again, Jesus is coming back soooo....I'm gonna go shop on Etsy.

Easy gluten free peanut butter cookies

I haven't made these in a while but I've been weaning myself from gluten (extremely slowly...boy do I love me some gluten) and my husband was like 'hey what about those peanut butter cookies you used to make?' and a chorus of angels followed. 

3 ingredients. Seriously. That's it. 

1 cup peanut butter

1 cup sugar

1 egg

Mix all ingredients together in a bowl, spoon out onto a cookie sheet, smash and make pretty with fork, cook at 325 for 20 minutes. Done. Delicious. 

You can also add yummies to these. I added chocolate chips and butterscotch chips to this batch. 

1 cup sugar, 1 cup peanut butter, 1 egg

I added mini chocolate chips and butterscotch chips. 

All mixed up. 

If you don't have one of these, buy one. Totally worth the money. And feel free to admire my 1970s countertops. 

Spooned out. I'm not great with cookie spacing. Don't judge me. 

Smash with fork one way. 

Smash with fork across other way. 

Forked up cookie *snicker*

Fresh out of the oven! 

They may not be pretty but who cares? They are tasty! Enjoy! 

Glam Moms

So I've noticed that some moms look like they've stepped out of the pages of a magazine or from a Pinterest post that belongs under my board 'make me pretty' and I have a bone to pick with you...

No I really don't. 

I have a love / hate relationship with you. 

You look amazing for a mom and I love that you are proof that motherhood isn't the end of all things glamorous. 

But I also hate you for making me feel self conscious for looking like I rolled out of a dumpster. 

I used to spend my evenings after work going to the gym, walking around the park, going to the tanning bed, getting my hair done, shopping for clothes...my Facebook selfies were frequent due to hair and makeup being perfect all the time. 

Now?

Hahahahaha

I'm a stay at home mom and I spend my evenings (and mornings and afternoons...) running kids to preschool, dance, gymnastics, church, and soon, soccer. Throw in trips to the doctor, the pharmacy, the grocery store, the liquor store (I kid...) and every so often a trip to the mall...where we eat mall pizza and browse 2 stores before Morgan tries dancing with a mannequin and Jack starts screaming because well, he's a guy and he hates the mall. 

Now I get my haircut about twice a year and do my own coloring. Whenever my gray stripe starts to show I jokingly blame it on Elsa (ya know, the newest Disney princess who has powers to freeze everything and accidentally freezes her sister's heart causing a white streak in her hair...).  Do I enjoy locking myself in the bathroom huffing chemicals while coloring my own hair? No way. But it saves so much time and money. And scares away my children for half hour. 'Mommy looks freaky with paint on her head!'

Now instead of going to the gym for an hour or walking around the park enjoying my iPod, I get to do yoga at home with 2 kids and 2 cats climbing over and under and around me; do Zumba or kickboxing videos while trying not to step on your kick kids and cats; or escape to my treadmill in the cold basement. And then I usually eat my feelings afterwards. 

So to the moms that prance around with perfectly cut and highlighted hair, lovely manicured nails, stylish clothes (that match!), and wear more than Chapstick, congratulations on making time for yourself. You look amazing. I'm usually wearing a Dr Who shirt (or honey badger don't care shirt...or t-rex hates push-ups...), yoga pants from Family Dollar stuffed down into snow boots (or flip flops, depending on the season), messy hair in a bun with Elsa stripe shining, Chapstick, nails cut short to prevent injuring children, dark circles under eyes and a confused sleepy expression. 

And Jack doesn't look much better...cause he's usually in a diaper. 

But dang it Morgan always looks cute! She's got a closet and dresser full of adorable clothes and she's my 42 inch tall American Girl doll that I love to style every morning for school. 

She usually looks like this:

While Jack looks like this:

And I usually look like this:

Meh. 

Screw you Pinterest

Screw you Pinterest. 

Just kidding. 

No really. Screw you. 

I have this love / hate relationship with Pinterest. First of all, I'm angry I got married before Pinterest was invented.  Second, Pinterest adds a lot of stress and anxiety in the lives of women, particularly moms. 

But how cool is it that we can categorize our entire lives into online boards?!  I'm OCD about organization and it's like a gift from the gods of crazy, feeding into my obsessive need to organize, file, sort. 

On Facebook moms are constantly posting adorable projects and crafts they do for holidays and Wednesdays and whatnot. 'Hey it's taco Tuesday! Check out the taco bar I've created, especially the little signs crafted from recycled Mexican sandals in each dish just in case you don't know what diced tomatoes look like!'

Hiss. 

At Halloween and Christmas Morgan brought home adorable little spider pretzel cookies and make your own snowman kits with marshmallows. Well, Valentine's Day is approaching and I figured I might as well jump on that super mom bandwagon. 

I asked Morgan 'do you want Valentine's cards to give your class that you can pick out from the store with princesses or opossums or whatever you're into this week orrrrr do you want to waste an entire day cussing over crafts that are an utter disappointment and create your own cards to give out?'

She wanted to make them. Sigh. 

So I got on Pinterest and did a search for 'easy DIY Valentine cards' and scrolled through all sorts of adorable ideas that made me snort and say 'heck no' and then I found one that looked cute and kind of easy. A fishbowl card that says 'glad we're in the same school' and a little bag of Swedish fish attached. She's 4 and has no idea what Valentine's Day is about and I'm not encouraging lovey dovey crap and the card rings true: she's glad to be in the same school with those kids, or most of them anyways. 

So I dropped her off at gymnastics and made a quick run to Family Dollar for supplies:

Note cards

Colored paper

Glue sticks

Black marker

Blue colored pencils 

Blue glitter nail polish

Swedish fish

Sandwich baggies 

Vodka

Actually dollar stores don't sell liquor which is disappointing. And the clerk didn't hand me my bag with sugar babies so I had to make a U-turn. 

Today while Morgan was at school I started on the project. We gated off the dining room (which is also our computer room because we live like we are in college) to keep Jack from pounding on computer keys as I typed out 'glad we are in the same school happy valentine's day' using curlz font in size 9 then copying and pasting 25 times and printing out while Jack screamed and cried because he couldn't get to mommy and then started throwing goldfish crackers and pacifiers over the gate as an offering with the hopes of being allowed past the barricade. 

Then I googled 'fishbowl drawing' on my iPhone and free handed my own to use as a pattern. I used it, cut it out and was happy until I realized the note cards had lines on one side. 

Auggghhh 

So I had to dig out some purple paper and cut matching fishbowl shapes to glue to the note card. And then cut the message out to glue. And then outline the fishbowl in marker so that it looked like a darn fishbowl. And then I wished I had some vodka when I accidentally rubbed glue stick in my hair and pieces of paper stuck to it. 

When Morgan came home from school I put her to work. She colored the water then painted over it with the nail polish. After throwing 2 away because she colored the wrong area she was already tired of the project so I had to go into 'you wanted to do this and it's for your class not mine so you sit here and do this' mode. I helped her color and paint. After a while I think even the cats were high from nail polish fumes. Then I grabbed a sharpie for Morgan to write her name with just in case we weren't high enough from huffing nail polish. After saying 'write your name and you'll be finished!' about 109 times we finally had a stack of cards ready for the next phase. I opened up the Swedish fish and divided them into 25 bags. And tasted them...I have never actually eaten them because the word 'fish' in candy just makes me go bleh but it's corn syrup and red dye #40, all the makings of type 2 diabetes and lymph node cancer usually means something tastes delicious. Now I'm addicted. 

I tried to staple the baggie of fish on the card in a cutesy way but honestly after 4 hours of crafting I had turned into the honey badger and I didn't care. 

Here's the final product:

Bam. Got my craft on. Bonded with child number uno. Learned that Swedish fish do not taste like fish. 

Next year she's giving out ready made cards because I can't rationalize 4 hours of crafting. And Swedish fish are expensive. 

Turkey for 4

Michael usually works on Thanksgiving because, well, power plants never close and people seem to want electricity on holidays more than any other day. Since we live several hours away from family we have spent several Thanksgivings without a turkey dinner. Since Morgan woke up the day after Halloween and bounced into my bedroom squealing 'it's Christmas now right?!?!' I have tried to make a big deal out of Thanksgiving. I mean it's an important holiday. It's when the pilgrims came over with Christopher Columbus in 1492 on the Mayflower to  Plymouth Rock and started the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I have a BA a history. 

So I've refused to drag out any Christmas decorations or listen to any music and my house is still decorated with turkeys and pumpkins. I decided to attempt a small Thanksgiving dinner for the 4 of us to munch on. I got on Pinterest and made sure to type 'easy' at the beginning of each if my recipe searches. I found a simple crock pot turkey breast recipe, a stuffing, a sweet potato casserole, wrote down all the ingredients, planned to use Bob Evans mashed potatoes (thank you Jesus from all of us mothers for that wonderful invention), cans of veggies, and bread dough roll things that my mother in law always makes. 

Okay so Michael is 2.5 hours away today cutting firewood with his dad because since our house has no insulation it apparently takes electric, oil heat, and wood burning fireplace to keep us from turning into human snow cones. I'm not ashamed to say I wear an adult sleeper with hood to keep my teeth from chattering. My husband posted this picture on Facebook to try to embarrass me:

I was researching Dr. Who. And Morgan was slightly frozen to death next to me. 

So I was stuck taking both kids to Kroger alone. Jack has an ear infection and is cutting a molar and hates everybody and everything. Morgan has had a cough for 4 weeks that I think is wood burning fireplace induced asthma that might take a witch doctor to cure because so far nothing has helped. So I load red cheeked snotty slobbery cranky Jack into cart with his pink and purplish crochet snuggle blanky passed down from Morgan and Morgan proclaims (in between hacking) that 'her widdle wegs are soooo tired' so she has to sit inside the cart alone with the diaper bag and all jackets. Awesome, now I have so much room for everything on my list. 

I barely make it into the produce section when both kids start crying that they are 'so starving they could die and go to heaven and see baby Jesus but they aren't ready to see Jesus so mom please give us something to eat' or at least that is what Morgan said and I know it's what Jack's 'berf berf waaahhhhh' interpreted to. I aways pack snacks for my hungry hungry hippos so I start passing out Cheerios and 'squeeze fruits' while tossing items into cart and crossing things off list and dodging the crowd. 

The crowd. 

I realized it was pre Thanksgiving AND 'oh em gee it's gonna snow 1 whole inch tonight' mania in there and I was in the middle of it. I literally was trapped waiting for a 122 year old lady to ponder over which onion to buy and I wanted to scream 'by the beard of Zeus it's a friggin onion let's GO!!!' And then I finally trek to the frozen coffins of dead turkeys where humans were circling like vultures trying to decide which dead body would be best to feed their young. And I joined them. 

All I needed was a 3-3&1/2 lb boneless turkey breast. Easy right?

Apparently such a unicorn does not exist. 

If you want a 600 pound turkey with bone and feet, you're in luck. I bet you could even find a chocolate covered gobbler. 

I circled about 20 times and couldn't find what I needed. Every time I passed the liquor section I slowed down a bit more. 

And then I left. 

I walked past the women fighting over the last packet of butter, grabbed a Red Bull, checked out, and left with all my Thanksgiving side dishes. 

I'm planning to pour 5 different liquors in the crock pot with chicken broth and eat stuffing and pie. I like pie.