Turkey for 4

Michael usually works on Thanksgiving because, well, power plants never close and people seem to want electricity on holidays more than any other day. Since we live several hours away from family we have spent several Thanksgivings without a turkey dinner. Since Morgan woke up the day after Halloween and bounced into my bedroom squealing 'it's Christmas now right?!?!' I have tried to make a big deal out of Thanksgiving. I mean it's an important holiday. It's when the pilgrims came over with Christopher Columbus in 1492 on the Mayflower to  Plymouth Rock and started the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I have a BA a history. 

So I've refused to drag out any Christmas decorations or listen to any music and my house is still decorated with turkeys and pumpkins. I decided to attempt a small Thanksgiving dinner for the 4 of us to munch on. I got on Pinterest and made sure to type 'easy' at the beginning of each if my recipe searches. I found a simple crock pot turkey breast recipe, a stuffing, a sweet potato casserole, wrote down all the ingredients, planned to use Bob Evans mashed potatoes (thank you Jesus from all of us mothers for that wonderful invention), cans of veggies, and bread dough roll things that my mother in law always makes. 

Okay so Michael is 2.5 hours away today cutting firewood with his dad because since our house has no insulation it apparently takes electric, oil heat, and wood burning fireplace to keep us from turning into human snow cones. I'm not ashamed to say I wear an adult sleeper with hood to keep my teeth from chattering. My husband posted this picture on Facebook to try to embarrass me:

I was researching Dr. Who. And Morgan was slightly frozen to death next to me. 

So I was stuck taking both kids to Kroger alone. Jack has an ear infection and is cutting a molar and hates everybody and everything. Morgan has had a cough for 4 weeks that I think is wood burning fireplace induced asthma that might take a witch doctor to cure because so far nothing has helped. So I load red cheeked snotty slobbery cranky Jack into cart with his pink and purplish crochet snuggle blanky passed down from Morgan and Morgan proclaims (in between hacking) that 'her widdle wegs are soooo tired' so she has to sit inside the cart alone with the diaper bag and all jackets. Awesome, now I have so much room for everything on my list. 

I barely make it into the produce section when both kids start crying that they are 'so starving they could die and go to heaven and see baby Jesus but they aren't ready to see Jesus so mom please give us something to eat' or at least that is what Morgan said and I know it's what Jack's 'berf berf waaahhhhh' interpreted to. I aways pack snacks for my hungry hungry hippos so I start passing out Cheerios and 'squeeze fruits' while tossing items into cart and crossing things off list and dodging the crowd. 

The crowd. 

I realized it was pre Thanksgiving AND 'oh em gee it's gonna snow 1 whole inch tonight' mania in there and I was in the middle of it. I literally was trapped waiting for a 122 year old lady to ponder over which onion to buy and I wanted to scream 'by the beard of Zeus it's a friggin onion let's GO!!!' And then I finally trek to the frozen coffins of dead turkeys where humans were circling like vultures trying to decide which dead body would be best to feed their young. And I joined them. 

All I needed was a 3-3&1/2 lb boneless turkey breast. Easy right?

Apparently such a unicorn does not exist. 

If you want a 600 pound turkey with bone and feet, you're in luck. I bet you could even find a chocolate covered gobbler. 

I circled about 20 times and couldn't find what I needed. Every time I passed the liquor section I slowed down a bit more. 

And then I left. 

I walked past the women fighting over the last packet of butter, grabbed a Red Bull, checked out, and left with all my Thanksgiving side dishes. 

I'm planning to pour 5 different liquors in the crock pot with chicken broth and eat stuffing and pie. I like pie.