why I refuse to be an Elf Mom

I have recently posted on Facebook about how I refuse to do Elf on the Shelf.  I received a lot of feedback from other moms that claim their kids love the Elf, and I believe them!  And I know my kids would love it (well Morgan might...Jack would just want to chew on him).  Some moms are posting all these awesomely creative pictures with random things the Elf has done...and kudos to you Elf moms!  You are a better mom than me, I admit it.

So why won't I participate?

Here's my list:

1.  My brain is surrounded in a fog.  I'm lucky to remember to wear pants when I go out to check the mail, much less come up with creative things for the Elf to do every single night.

2.  The Elf is CREEPY!  I mean seriously, that thing could cause major nightmares that would requires years of therapy to recover from.  Not for my kids, for me.  And my cats.

3.  Although creative, and I am 190% sure kids LOVE it, I do NOT have time to do the tricks that Pinterest suggests.  TP my Christmas tree?  WHAT Christmas tree?  We haven't even had time to purchase and decorate our tree.  Marshmallow fight in the kitchen with Barbie?  Seriously?  After Jack blows raspberries splattering half a jar of baby food peaches across my kitchen, I am lucky to get that mess cleaned up before somebody slips and falls in it, and can't even comprehend the idea of throwing mini marshmallows all over the place and THEN having to clean that up.

4.  I don't understand the purpose of the Elf.  He's supposed to watch my kids and report their behavior to Santa?  Well why is the Elf so bad?  Can't I report HIM to Santa?  Or just throw him outside and wait for my neighbor's dog to drag him off?

5.  Kids aren't supposed to touch the Elf.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  Have you met my daughter?  She touches EVERYTHING!  ...but fruit and vegetables that is.  And you're supposed to pretend to send the Elf back to the North Pole or something after he's been touched?  Yeah...I would be doing that about once an hour.

6.  Okay I'll admit...we haven't even done Santa for Morgan yet.  We are never home on Christmas because we live away from both sets of grandparents and are on the road the entire holiday.  This is the first year Morgan actually sort of understands the whole Santa concept and honestly it's a big responsibility to keep up with the lie.  I can't keep up with the Elf on top of Santa.  I am a horrible liar.  By the time Morgan is 4 I'm sure I will accidentally forget that she actually CAN hear everything I say and will slip and say something like 'yeah we will probably be up all night playing Santa'....probably while dozing on the couch during Bubble Guppies. 

7.  An Elf in this house would be a raging alcoholic, I just know it.  I would catch him in my freezer going after that bottle of vodka we are saving for a 'special occassion' which in mommyland means 'a night the kids are so bad you wonder why on earth you ever wanted a kid in the first place and then were stupid enough to have another one.'

8.  It's just another thing to store!!  Right now I am drowning in kid stuff...toys, baby gear, crayons, baby bottles...I can't handle one more thing to find a spot for in this house.  Makes my left eye twitch even thinking about it.



So there ya go, call me a party pooper, a bad mom, I don't care.  All of you amazing overachieving moms, please feel free to adopt my deprived children during the holidays so they can enjoy the Elf festivities!