Awesome is awesome.

I had a mommy friend highly recommend a product called Awesome. You buy it from Family Dollar for a buck and it can be used to clean everything from your toilet to stains on your kiddos clothing. 

Awesome is indeed awesome. 

That 3.5 year old paint stain on the carpet in my dining room? Almost gone!!! 

The carnival pizza that stained Morgan's shirt and then sent her to the bathroom for half hour...not even shout worked on it. Awesome took care of it. 

I literally run around cackling like a happy witch while I look for stains on my carpet to spray and scrub. 

And it smells so clean. It doesn't smell all chemically. It smells good. 

However I do have to warn you that while I clean my bathroom, my eyes water and my nose burns. 

So this stuff is probably slowly eating my skin and lungs. 

But for now...

Makes me feel

Mayo free veggie pizza

It's well known among family and friends that I hate mayonnaise. No. I don't just hate it. I have a fear of it. I can't even touch the jar. If the jar is touching my beloved Red Bull I can't drink it until someone else has washed the can for me. Mayo is a key factor in so many delicious dishes and I'm always disappointed at parties and cookouts when I see something that probably has mayo in it but I'm too embarrassed to ask so I just skip it and end up eating chips on a bun or something. So I make it a personal challenge to try to make recipes and find a mayo substitute. 

This is one of my favorite mayo free recipes: veggie pizza!

Ingredients:

2 cans of crescent rolls 

2 packages of cream cheese

1-2 packages of hidden valley ranch dip mix (depending on how ranchy you like it)

1 container 16 oz sour cream

Shredded cheddar cheese

Various veggies - I always use broccoli, cauliflower, celery, carrots, and bell peppers

Directions:

Spread crescent rolls out on nonstick cookie sheet, follow baking directions on can. 

While crust is cooking, in a bowl mix the cream cheese (soften in microwave first), sour cream, and ranch dip mix. 

Spread mixture onto cooked cooled crust. 

Dice up all veggies and spread on top of cream cheese / sour cream mixture. 

Sprinkle cheddar cheese on top. 

Voila! Ready to enjoy! 

I always use reduced fat products and it still tastes delicious. This dish is great for parties. And if you're gluten free you can use a cauliflower crust instead of crescent rolls! And if you're vegan/dairy free...eat the veggies?

Spread crescent rolls onto cookie sheet

Cooked crescent roll crust 

Mayo free mixture 

I don't use a lot of shredded cheese because I'm always trying to cut calories

YUM!

Ticket to Mommyland

Whenever a Facebook friend posts a smiling, exhausted, sometimes drugged up picture of herself with her brand spankin new baby (what? I had a morphine pump didn't y'all?), I usually post 'yay welcome to Mommyland!' and recently I had somebody respond 'what's Mommyland?' 

So I've been pondering this. Usually when I vacuum. That's when I do my best thinking. 

'Mommyland' is different from 'Parenthood' or 'Organic mom with free range children' or any of those other perfect places that perfect parents dwell with their perfect lives and perfect children. 

Mommyland is far from perfect. 

Here is a sample checklist to see if you've earned your ticket to Mommyland:

You wonder why drug companies haven't invented baby sleeping medication. Or a diet pill that actually works. 

Your children look like a ad for Gymboree when you take them to school (matching top and bottom with matching shoes and hair bow) but you look like you're homeless wearing whatever you've dug out of the clean laundry basket that morning, hair in a bun, no makeup, and house slippers. 

You try to vacuum a Cheerio and find yourself screaming 'you satanic circle of whole grain I WILL DEFEAT YOU!' because Cheerios have supernatural powers and resist vacuum suction. 

You have a princess tent at your front door because that's the one toyless spot left in your home and whenever people ring your doorbell you have to yell 'hang on I have to move the tent to get the door open!' which is actually a great way to scare away Jehovah's witnesses. 

You're jealous of your child free friends' posts on Facebook. Not the posts about going to gourmet restaurants or out to the movies or on amazing vacations or to Kroger alone. The posts about sleeping in. I miss sleeping in. 

You lock yourself in a room to eat a snickers bar and drink a Coke not only because you don't want to share, but because you don't want your children to see you eating that junk when you have them convinced pop will rot their teeth and sugar will make their toes fall off. 

You stick a pacifier back in your baby's mouth after it falls on the ground/floor without washing it and shrug off the shocked stares from 'organic free range children' moms because you've seen what your kid usually puts in their mouth and a dirty pacifier is the least of your worries. 

You snicker to yourself at 'perfect mom' who brags about their 3 year old who can already read, speak Portuguese, bake bread, and has a black belt in whatever kwan do. Then you lovingly look at your child who is eating a booger and say 'yeah that's awesome. Mine is dumb' because the reaction you get is priceless. 

You silently laugh until you almost pee when your child drops their first curse word. 

You feel like you need to build bleachers in your bathroom so the kids and cats will have someplace to sit whenever you shower, brush your teeth, etc because obviously you can't ever be trusted to do these things alone. 

You constantly want a break from your kids but the moment you get one you miss them like crazy. How warped is that?

Your kid refers to Red Bull or coffee as 'mommy sippy.'

By the end of each day your clothes are crusted up with dried slobbers, snot, applesauce, and who knows what else. 

If you're laughing and nodding your head as you read this, welcome to Mommyland. We have pie. 

Easy chicken pot pie for non cookers like myself

It's no secret that I don't cook much. I don't really enjoy it. When I'm hungry I don't feel like prepping and mixing and cutting and then waiting. I prefer easy meals like salads, cheese and fruit, Red Bull, etc. But apparently I'm supposed to feed my family, so I clear off my brand new stove and fire it up every now and then. I have 2 small impatient children that don't acknowledge my existence until I try to do something other than try to keep them entertained, so I highly appreciate easy meals that are hopefully somewhat healthy and hearty. One of my husband's favorite meals is a chicken pot pie recipe shared by a friend a few years ago that I have modified a bit. So I want to share with all other moms (and dads) that need an easy tasty family meal. 

Easy Chicken Pot Pie

You need:

1 can Veg All (I use the Kroger brand) - it has carrots, potatoes, green beans, corn, lima beans, and celery. 

1 can cream of chicken

1 can cream of potato

2 cans organic white chicken OR rotisserie chicken pieces OR leftover thanksgiving turkey

1/4 cup milk

1/4 tsp pepper

1/4 tsp thyme

2 frozen ready to bake pie crusts

Directions:

Oven - bake 375

In bowl mix all ingredients (other than pie crusts, hopefully that's obvious)

Place one pie crust in baking dish, pour mixture into pie crust, place other pie crust on top, use fork to make vent holes. Place in oven and bake for 55-60 minutes. 

Mix all ingredients in a large mixing bowl

Place one pie crust into baking dish (I use fiesta baking dishes and love them!)

Pour mixture into pie crust 

Place other pie crust on top, use fork to make vent holes in whatever pattern amuses you. 

Fresh out of the oven

NOM!! 

Cardboard crafts

I love artsy fartsy stuff. I love to paint, crochet, work with fabric. I have a strange obsession with buttons. It appears that my daughter has inherited my love of all things crafty. For days she's been talking about some YouTube video she watched about a Lalaloopsy house made out of a box and has been begging for a box. Today while Jack took a nap, Morgan and I took the craft project of cardboard dollhouse making. It was fun! We only had about 2 hours to cut, paint, and decorate so it's not as detailed as I would like, and if I were to make another one I would make sure the second floor was a bit more sturdy. The floor in this one leans forward a bit which makes the furniture slide off during playtime. I used a hot glue gun, box cutter, acrylic paint, sharpie markers, and fabric scraps. 

I wanted to cut out windows and doors but Morgan said no. This is exactly how she wanted it. She helped me paint everything, she told me where to put things. She's using some of her dollhouse furniture and random small toys. 

And she has played with this for hours, more than her 'real' dollhouses. 

Hey mommy, do you need beer?

Leaving the house with the kids...on my own. Why do I ever think this is a good idea? Jack turns one this week and I had decided that I don't have enough stress in my life, so let's add a cookout to celebrate Jack surviving his first year of life on top of expired drivers license and other fun things going on. Michael and I are always talking about having people over. The social side of me is all like 'bring it on!!! Let's rent a bounce house, hire NASA to give rocket rides, the works!!' But the OCD side of me is like 'people in my house? Will they make messes? What if they make messes I can't clean up? Like what if somebody throws up in my stove or something?'  

The social side won. 

And I did rent a bounce house. And now I'm checking into selling my liver to pay for it. 

So I had to go buy party supplies and today the kids weren't screaming as much as usual so I decided it would be a good time to go. 

We went to Walmart. We don't have many options locally and Walmart is one stop shopping, which is any moms BFF. 

After persuading Morgan that we didn't need the entire aisle of party supplies, and no I'm sure Jack would not want pink plates, and no the hello kitty napkins do not coordinate with the superman theme, Jack decided to have what we call 'fat boy meltdown' where he has to eat and can't wait one more second. So in the middle of the toy section I had to whip out a bottle and try to pour formula into it without spilling it while Morgan bounced toys off my head insisting she needed it ALL. 

So there ya go. Chubby bubby is happy. And using a stack of diapers as a pillow. We got a lot of 'looks' because Jack looks like he's about 2&1/2 instead of almost 1. 

We make it out of the toy aisle with a hot pink scooter in the cart and head towards the baby aisle. As I'm trying to find the pediatric drinks Morgan has for breakfast every morning, Jack pulls down half a shelf of yogurt puffs. As I'm trying to clean those up, Jack tries to climb out of the cart. As I'm trying to push him back down, I lose Morgan. Here's where I found her: 

'Hey mommy do you need some beer?'

Sigh. 

Do not assume my husband and I are raging alcoholics, because although children can lure most people towards alcoholism, we know we've got to be 100% functional for our crazy kids. Morgan knows what beer is because she asks a million questions about everything. But still, every time she sees beer she's all like 'mommy do you need some beer?' And people stare at me like they are one step from calling social services. 

And besides, I like hard cider. I'm kind of over beer. 

As we purchased our goodies, Morgan is inviting everybody to 'baby Jack's superman party!!' as I'm trying to unload my cart onto the counter while picking out the random items Morgan has added and hiding them in the candy. Seriously Morgan. We don't need a watermelon slicer. 

Just another day in Mommyland. 

Adventures at the BMV

So on our way back from my inlaws last weekend, Michael and I have a random conversation about our drivers licenses.  He noticed his will be expiring on his upcoming birthday and I was all like 'yeah...my expires on my birthday this year too...I'm pretty sure....'

Nope.

I dug through the spare pacifiers, My Little Pony underwear (not mine of course; they don't make them in my size.  *sigh*), and what felt like a half eaten banana, and found my driver's license.  It expired on my birthday LAST year. 

I immediately felt a stomach ulcer forming.

I whipped out my iPhone and started doing research.  You get a 6 month grace period after it expires!!  Awesome!!

6 months was a week before I realized mine expired.

$%&#!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been driving with an expired license?!  This just shows how often I get traffic violations and buy liquor.  I obviously don't get to whip out my ID often enough to know what's going on.

So I had to retake the written AND driving exams.  And I had to wait 3 days for Michael to finish up working night shifts before driving to the testing center, which apparently has been ever so conveniently moved 40 minutes away.

I was a nervous wreck.  I do NOT test well.  Especially tests with multiple choice answers.  There are ALWAYS 2 answers that look correct and I ALWAYS choose the wrong one.

Michael had to drive me since I was illegal.  And we had to take both kids because, well, we drag them everywhere.  I took a few practice quizzes online to brush up on my driving knowledge but still missed 5 questions (hey, you're allowed to miss 11!) but honestly, questions like 'what's the legal speed for driving a truck with passengers in the back' feel like trick questions because I thought riding in the back of a pickup was illegal and something only us rednecks do when the law ain't lookin.  But apparently the legal speed is 25 mph.  So there ya go.  Everybody pile into the back of a truck and go cruise, but keep it 25 and under. 

But I passed.  And then I had to go get my temporary permit.  And then I had to go take the driving exam.

Once again, I was a nervous wreck.  I've been driving since 1995, but I'm sure I don't drive the way they want me to.  The best part is when the lady was filling out my info for the driving exam, she asked 'do you have a vehicle that you can take the test with today?' and I was like 'yeah, I just have to unload my family out of it first.' She raised an eyebrow at that but proceeded with 'what sort of vehicle is it?' And I responded 'it's a Land Rover.' And she was like 'Who makes that?  Buick?' And I was like 'uhhh, Land Rover?' And she was like 'Dodge?' and I was like 'ummm, no, it's a Land Rover.  Land Rover makes Land Rovers...' and then she took my insurance card and stared at it like I was trying to pull one on her.  I totally get it.  The lady in line before me looked (and smelled) like she had rolled out of a dumpster, and the guy behind me was twitching like he was coming down from a meth high.  I'm standing there with my Michael Kors purse, having showered within the past 24 hours, and I'm totally blowing her mind that somebody of my caliber would actually show up at her counter.  She all but ran out to my vehicle like a kid at Cedar Point, excited to actually be giving a driving test to somebody that wasn't missing half their teeth due to bar fights.  Michael and the kids emptied the car not unlike a clown car at the circus, and I proceeded to take my driving exam. 

I was all paranoid about parallel parking.  I don't parallel park.  The last time I parallel parked was in 1995 when I took my driving exam at 16.  I will go out of my way to find a parking garage and walk an extra mile rather than parallel park on the street.  But lucky for me, Ohio doesn't include parallel parking in their exam. 

Oh no, they have something even more fun.

There are cones set up; you drive in between 4 of them and then veer off to the left to avoid hitting one in front.  I was like 'woot woot!' when I squeezed through in my SUV. 

And then she was like 'okay good, now do that in reverse.'

Say whaaaaa?!

I can barely back out of my garage.  I thank the Lord daily for the back up sensors that beep when I'm too close to something.  So I took it really slow.  The 'back up beepers' were going crazy because those stupid cones were way too close for comfort.  And I actually got 2 points deducted because I stopped and asked 'if I get too close can I pull forward and straighten up' I mean seriously?  I'm an overcautious driver!  What if those cones were endangered turtles or something? 

Then we took a cruise through the streets.  She was super relaxed and chatty but I was totally on edge.  I had to keep reminding myself 'hands at 10 and 2!!' and 'use your blinker!!' while she was telling me about her thyroid problems.  At every turn all of the crap in the back of the Rover crashed around.  I had several large baby toys I was selling and the lady that was supposed to meet us flaked out, so they slid and crashed and created a musical light show in the back of the Rover.  And then she noticed the empty can of energy drink and was checking it out and I was like 'it's not mine, I'm not all jacked up on caffeine I swear; it's my husband's, he worked his 3rd night shift last night...'

Lordy.

But anyways, I passed!!  There was one more little situation where I nearly failed the eye exam because it's been over 3 years since I've had new glasses, but thank goodness she wasn't paying attention and I was able to squint and read the smaller lines.  Don't worry; I have an appointment to get my eyes checked very soon.

So yay!  I am legal again!  I have my license!  It's the worst picture I've ever had taken in my life though; I'm holding on to Morgan while smiling for my photo and the end result is a double chinned strained smile.  Oh well.

Go check your license right now.  Seriously.  Do it.  Don't let it expire!